One of the definitions of melancholy is given to or marked by long, quiet thinking. Such is my fate today. January 26 is a day that brings this each year. You see, 26 years ago today our second son, Jonathan Micah, was stillborn. Now this is not a post to provoke sadness, but a day for me to remember the Lord's goodness. Why I'm sharing it with you, I'm not sure.
I didn't really want another child. Rebekah was quite young when we found out I was pregnant. After sulking for a while I finally grew to accept that we were going to have another child. I still remember that day I found out that more than likely that would not be the case. A routine sonogram showed some abnormalities. I remember driving home, looking at the beautiful sunset, and thinking it was all my fault, because I had not wanted this child. Now I was a very immature Christian at the time, but no matter, my wonderful Father spoke to me. He reminded me of Psalm 139:16 which says: Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, The days fashioned for me, When as yet there were none of them.
What a great victory in my life. For you see, at that time of my life, if I had believed Satan's lie, it would have destroyed me. What a loving and kind God! We were sent to a larger city for "expert" advice. They said our child would not live till birth and if he did, would die shortly thereafter. There was a major problem with his lungs; to this day I still cannot remember the long name. They wanted to know if we would consider abortion. I still remember looking at them and telling them I didn't understand why God made our baby the way He did, but I was not going to kill it. Later they sent a counselor in to help us deal with our grief. I told her the same thing. She ended up leaving the room and didn't come back. I suppose we weren't what she expected.
We had so many people praying for us. I even received cards from Michigan during my pregnancy. We really desired God to heal our child and let Him live. However, He didn't. I was about seven months along when he stopped moving. God gave us the grace to accept His will and we went to the hospital.
The doctor said they would induce labor the next morning, but because of my only being seven months along and the baby being dead it might take several days of labor. They started the IV along with the medication to induce labor, and put me on a monitor . It was less than a minute after they did this that I looked at Donald and said, "I think I just had a contraction." The monitor indeed showed that I had, and in less than an hour the birth was over. God is so merciful and so good.
Now we had many hard days after this. Grieving is hard. Even though we didn't know our son, he had become a part of our lives the seven months he was inside my womb. God is faithful though and His mercy endures forever. He has blessed with four more wonderful children since Jonathan. But every January 26th I stop to remember.
Psalm 100:5 "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations."
I haven't read this author but agree with these words.....
Our children change us... whether they live or not.
(Lois McMaster Bujold, 1991 US science fiction author)